sometimes i suck

Left the beach this morning to make it in time for class. I guess I could have showed up late, but I didn't. And I also didn't finish my five-page paper that was due this morning. I make bad decisions sometimes, and I really suck today. I went to visit my granddad before I got on the road. Is that even correct to say? --That I went to visit him? Or is it his grave, or both, I don't know what to call it. I feel weird saying I went to visit him. But I did. So I started the day in tears.

Since my granddad and my lolo died, there have been at least three more deaths either from our family, or close friends' families. It hasn't even been two months. My brain hurts.

Found out my family is pretty broke after the funeral expenses and a number of monetary issues. I'm trying to pay for as much as I can and not burden my parents with anything. I'm trying to graduate early. I think that's the biggest way I can help -- not fuck up, and get out of school as fast as I can. Hopefully I don't fail the class I'm missing today. I really need the credit. I'm trying to sell the accessories and clothes I make. It's kind of my dream to never have a "regular job" ever again, but still be able to support myself and those I care about, or at least help them out from time to time. My brain is throbbing. I think I'm stressed.

Don't get me wrong; I'm still really excited about everything and the future and all that. I've just hit a rough patch. That's all. Once this semester is over I'll have time to breathe. Maybe the break will help me accept everything. I mean I know it probably won't, but maybe. I don't think I'll be okay with things about my granddad for a while, but that's just the way things go.

So in other words: I'm sick of crying. I'm over this semester. I need a job. Today I suck, but tomorrow I'll try to be better.