round 2. go.

on october 11, 2008, my granddad on my mom's side passed away.
on november 3, 2008, my granddad on my dad's side passed away.

2008 is an earth year, and maybe this is proof.

i don't know how to process this one. i don't know who or what i'm crying for anymore. i guess i'm crying for all of it - for everything that happened and for everything that won't happen.

i feel so removed and disconnected.

yesterday was the first time i went to my granddad's grave by myself. i haven't spoken to him much since he passed. but yesterday i felt like i had to, and so i did. it was strange being there, knowing that the last time i saw him was at that spot, him laying in his coffin, rosary wrapped around his fingers, cold. i don't like to think that his body is right there, in some box when i visit him.

tickets to california are too expensive right now, and with paying for one funeral, i don't think my parents can pay for all of us to go to the other one. it sucks. even though i wasn't as close with my dad's dad as i was with my mom's, he was still a part of my family, and i would like to be there.

this is all so very draining. sometimes, i think i could fall asleep walking. and then i wake up.