It's going to be a rough day. I miss you terribly.

I had a dream last night that I went to a water park, which turned into a giant dance party. I remember going there with two girls and a guy. The guy had a towel on the lower half of his face when I beckoned him to come over. I pulled the towel off his face and kissed him. I'm assuming this guy was my boyfriend in the dream, but I don't know who he is in real life. He kind of looked like this one guy I sort of know, but it could be someone completely different. In fact, it would be weird if it were that guy, because I don't really get those likey vibes with him. Whatever it's a dream. I'll continue.

So, I kiss him, and he smiles and says that I took off his towel so now the medicine won't stay on. I forgot, I say. Then I get a bitter taste in my mouth and spit into a trashcan. The medicine, I presume. I tell him to come whisper with with me, and we walk over to one of those things on the playground where you whisper on one end and the person hears you on the other. He said hi. I said hey. Yes, it was all so very cute. After that we went upstairs.

I think that's when it turned into the dance party. There was an abundance of people, and it kind of freaked me out. At the top of the stairs, were my grandma, my granddad (mom's side), my cousin, my uncle, my granddad's brother and his wife. The party started getting crazy; the cops came, and everyone was rushing to get out. I could see that the mass amount of bodies moving towards and around us was making my granddad feel uncomfortable. There were some chairs near us, so I pushed them against a wall and sat him and everyone else down. I figured it would calm him. Someone in our group said we should move towards the door, but I knew that he didn't want that.

I told my cousin to get the car and bring it around. Everyone went with her, and another huge group of party people decided it was also their time to go. So it was just me and Granddad left. We moved over to a long bench that was a cushion seat instead of a hard one. We talked for a bit, and I turned around. When I turned back around he was laying on his side, facing away from me. I called his name, nothing. I put my arms around him and started crying. He asked me why I was crying. I said because, and asked him why he had to go.

He either said, because I had to, or you know why. I think it was the latter. I can't remember, but whatever he said, it sounded like his voice was put through one of those voice distortion mechanisms. It creeped me out. I sat up and so did he. I put my arm in his and my head on his shoulder.

There are a million moments that I can't write about right now.

* * *

Wednesday marks the fortieth day of his passing. I'll be going home to attend a mass for him. I still don't want to believe that he's gone. Today is the funeral for my other granddad, Lolo Fidel. I wish I could have been there more before he got sick.

I'm still really excited about a lot of things going on, but it just hurts to know that Granddad won't be here to share some of those things. I can still tell him as many stories as I want, but I won't see that smile, or he makes when he's shocked at something I did or said. I won't hear him laugh.

The last time I saw him, he was still in the hospital, a couple of weeks before he passed away. I was getting ready to drive back to Richmond. I think I gave him a hug. I hope I did. I usually did when I left. I told him I would see him in a few weeks. He said, okay, see you. And he smiled a smile that made me think he was going to be just fine.

* * *

I think about him constantly, and my heart is broken far beyond any stupid boy could break it. But I'm trying to be okay with this. It's hard. I have days when I'm at peace with things and can look back fondly. I have days when I think it's really fucked up for the universe to will such an awful occurrence. Today, I guess I'm just kind of sad.

Good morning.