no more with feeling

Things so fleeting
Without feeling
Can be so freeing



Joelle knows what's up.
Here's my toast to us.

Guessing is Better Than Tommy Hilfucker

There is a long list of things that I've done that at one point or another I said I would never do. I guess I'm human. I guess I lie. I guess I'm a hypocrite. And I guess I'm okay with that.

I had an idea of how I would feel after certain situations, and none of them were right. The surprises were nice. I don't think I'm losing myself, which of course is a good thing. I do, however, feel that perhaps I don't know myself as well as I had thought. And something about that is really lovely. Something about that excites me.

So next time we cross paths, let's drink to our failing livers and off-beat hearts.

sometimes i suck

Left the beach this morning to make it in time for class. I guess I could have showed up late, but I didn't. And I also didn't finish my five-page paper that was due this morning. I make bad decisions sometimes, and I really suck today. I went to visit my granddad before I got on the road. Is that even correct to say? --That I went to visit him? Or is it his grave, or both, I don't know what to call it. I feel weird saying I went to visit him. But I did. So I started the day in tears.

Since my granddad and my lolo died, there have been at least three more deaths either from our family, or close friends' families. It hasn't even been two months. My brain hurts.

Found out my family is pretty broke after the funeral expenses and a number of monetary issues. I'm trying to pay for as much as I can and not burden my parents with anything. I'm trying to graduate early. I think that's the biggest way I can help -- not fuck up, and get out of school as fast as I can. Hopefully I don't fail the class I'm missing today. I really need the credit. I'm trying to sell the accessories and clothes I make. It's kind of my dream to never have a "regular job" ever again, but still be able to support myself and those I care about, or at least help them out from time to time. My brain is throbbing. I think I'm stressed.

Don't get me wrong; I'm still really excited about everything and the future and all that. I've just hit a rough patch. That's all. Once this semester is over I'll have time to breathe. Maybe the break will help me accept everything. I mean I know it probably won't, but maybe. I don't think I'll be okay with things about my granddad for a while, but that's just the way things go.

So in other words: I'm sick of crying. I'm over this semester. I need a job. Today I suck, but tomorrow I'll try to be better.

i am missed

heh

It's going to be a rough day. I miss you terribly.

I had a dream last night that I went to a water park, which turned into a giant dance party. I remember going there with two girls and a guy. The guy had a towel on the lower half of his face when I beckoned him to come over. I pulled the towel off his face and kissed him. I'm assuming this guy was my boyfriend in the dream, but I don't know who he is in real life. He kind of looked like this one guy I sort of know, but it could be someone completely different. In fact, it would be weird if it were that guy, because I don't really get those likey vibes with him. Whatever it's a dream. I'll continue.

So, I kiss him, and he smiles and says that I took off his towel so now the medicine won't stay on. I forgot, I say. Then I get a bitter taste in my mouth and spit into a trashcan. The medicine, I presume. I tell him to come whisper with with me, and we walk over to one of those things on the playground where you whisper on one end and the person hears you on the other. He said hi. I said hey. Yes, it was all so very cute. After that we went upstairs.

I think that's when it turned into the dance party. There was an abundance of people, and it kind of freaked me out. At the top of the stairs, were my grandma, my granddad (mom's side), my cousin, my uncle, my granddad's brother and his wife. The party started getting crazy; the cops came, and everyone was rushing to get out. I could see that the mass amount of bodies moving towards and around us was making my granddad feel uncomfortable. There were some chairs near us, so I pushed them against a wall and sat him and everyone else down. I figured it would calm him. Someone in our group said we should move towards the door, but I knew that he didn't want that.

I told my cousin to get the car and bring it around. Everyone went with her, and another huge group of party people decided it was also their time to go. So it was just me and Granddad left. We moved over to a long bench that was a cushion seat instead of a hard one. We talked for a bit, and I turned around. When I turned back around he was laying on his side, facing away from me. I called his name, nothing. I put my arms around him and started crying. He asked me why I was crying. I said because, and asked him why he had to go.

He either said, because I had to, or you know why. I think it was the latter. I can't remember, but whatever he said, it sounded like his voice was put through one of those voice distortion mechanisms. It creeped me out. I sat up and so did he. I put my arm in his and my head on his shoulder.

There are a million moments that I can't write about right now.

* * *

Wednesday marks the fortieth day of his passing. I'll be going home to attend a mass for him. I still don't want to believe that he's gone. Today is the funeral for my other granddad, Lolo Fidel. I wish I could have been there more before he got sick.

I'm still really excited about a lot of things going on, but it just hurts to know that Granddad won't be here to share some of those things. I can still tell him as many stories as I want, but I won't see that smile, or he makes when he's shocked at something I did or said. I won't hear him laugh.

The last time I saw him, he was still in the hospital, a couple of weeks before he passed away. I was getting ready to drive back to Richmond. I think I gave him a hug. I hope I did. I usually did when I left. I told him I would see him in a few weeks. He said, okay, see you. And he smiled a smile that made me think he was going to be just fine.

* * *

I think about him constantly, and my heart is broken far beyond any stupid boy could break it. But I'm trying to be okay with this. It's hard. I have days when I'm at peace with things and can look back fondly. I have days when I think it's really fucked up for the universe to will such an awful occurrence. Today, I guess I'm just kind of sad.

Good morning.

travels

I went to New York over the weekend, and it was simply delightful -- as per usual. 

everything in the world

I've decided that I am going to change lots of things in my life. I want it to be better, so I'm going to make it better right now. It would be silly to wait. I've wasted a lot of time and money thus far -- most of which wasn't mine. That should stop, and I should go make those changes. 

round 2. go.

on october 11, 2008, my granddad on my mom's side passed away.
on november 3, 2008, my granddad on my dad's side passed away.

2008 is an earth year, and maybe this is proof.

i don't know how to process this one. i don't know who or what i'm crying for anymore. i guess i'm crying for all of it - for everything that happened and for everything that won't happen.

i feel so removed and disconnected.

yesterday was the first time i went to my granddad's grave by myself. i haven't spoken to him much since he passed. but yesterday i felt like i had to, and so i did. it was strange being there, knowing that the last time i saw him was at that spot, him laying in his coffin, rosary wrapped around his fingers, cold. i don't like to think that his body is right there, in some box when i visit him.

tickets to california are too expensive right now, and with paying for one funeral, i don't think my parents can pay for all of us to go to the other one. it sucks. even though i wasn't as close with my dad's dad as i was with my mom's, he was still a part of my family, and i would like to be there.

this is all so very draining. sometimes, i think i could fall asleep walking. and then i wake up.

trashcans

a week ago today, i saw my grandfather for the first time after he passed away. for a week i forgot that places outside of the funeral home, my home, my grandmother's home, the church, and the memorial grounds existed. now i'm back at school, feeling something. i don't know what. hurt, maybe. i can't get it through my head that i'm not going to see this person again. i feel like everything is wrong right now. i'm glad he isn't suffering anymore, but still. i wish there was a way that things would have turned out differently, better.

when i think about the funeral, i can't help but hear my grandma's crying. her screaming or wailing. it kills me. the night before the funeral she came into my room, and told me not to cry because he's in a better place. she told me how he died and said that if i had seen him i would have understood. she told me she was scared of being alone in the house because she knew all she would do was think about him.

he raised me, and he was one of my best friends. we had an eggplant garden that i loved dearly - maybe more in memory. in it's place now, are bricks laid down for a path and two trashcans, one for recycling.

things fall apart, and it really fucking sucks.

so after a not so great day, my mom called me with some bad news. my granddad is in the hospital again. he's coughing up blood. he's not doing well. i don't know if they know if it's his cancer that has gotten worse or something else. i'm going home this weekend. i don't know what else to do.

i didn't wanna go to sleep, which is probably why i'm getting in and writing this past 2 in the morning. i went on a really long bike ride with a friend. we rode downtown then towards carytown before his bike chain went to pieces.

seems as though everything is falling apart. i don't really know what else to say other than i'm pissed, and i hate that this is happening. i hate it so fucking much. i hate that i'm not back home right now, and i hate that even when i was it wasn't enough.

i don't want to go to sleep.

projects for the near and dear future

i plan on taking matilda - the dog - out to poop and tinkle.
i'm working on some presents for people, mostly friendship bracelets and special letters and what not.
i'm tinkering with putting beads into my friendship bracelets. i think i've come up with a method that i really like. we'll see.
auditions.
writing more.
reading more.
selling out.
sewing curtains.
making pillows.
decorating my room that i'm finally done rearranging.
and i think i'm done buying baskets. i have around 14. i think that's plenty, maybe even borderline obsessive.
oh! i'm riding my new bike... well it's not a new bike, but it's new to me. i like it lots. very lightweight boy's frame so i can lug it up and down the stairs to our house. it has three water bottle holders for some reason; i use one for my crayon shaped thermos, but the other two are coming off as soon as i get the right tool for them. also, it has one of those generator lights that only works in the dark. so when i peddle in the wee small hours of the morning i can find my drunken path just fine!
i want to make a movie. so i'm going to do that.
i think matilda has fallen asleep on my lap just now. she does that a lot. wait, she's not asleep. she just licked my armpit. weird.
brooklyn next month. oh fuck yes. i miss my babies.
i want to get so busy that i don't even have time for this blog. well maybe not that busy, but pretty close.

team spirit

we got shot down
trying to shoot up
so they made us piss
in a paper cup
so that we could take one for the team

we shook hands
with the president
went to church
so as to repent
and lit a candle for the rest of the team

they took pictures
they framed us
they made an example out of us
because we were the only ones left

sever

some things make me feel sick.

it's strange that people are capable of the things they do and that those things are capable of evoking certain emotions.

it's weird when people have power over other people. 

i'm moving soon, and it couldn't be a better time to do so. 

let's make this home a house and sell it for gas money

I just got really excited about the future. And about right now, because isn't that what it is? ...in essence...

Learning new things. Creating new things. Picking up things I never should have put down. And such and such. 

I can't wait to go back to Richmond (never thought I'd say that), and be back in school. I guess this higher education thing really agrees with me. 

Also, I'm rather elated about living with a darling bunch of gals. 

***

Many moons ago whilst still in Richmond, I did a painting on a small panel. I really liked the idea, but not so much my execution. The painting involved nachos, bowls, and a question that at the time I was dying to ask someone. So I redid it on a bigger panel, and I am pretty happy with it; although there is still definitely room for improvement. I think I might do it again and post a picture of it. Oh, archetypal three, maybe it really will be magic. 

***

Some Stuff in My Brain:

words-

Ugh, I Need A Hug

Let's Make This Home a House and Sell it for Gas Money

Written response to fortune cookie fortunes

threads-

cloth napkins

underwear

bedding

yoga mat carriers

backpacks and messenger bags

anything that can be put on a body 

other-

i need a job. 

i'd like a 40.

i wanna go to super duper roundhouse kick ass show.

spells

the UNIVERSE 

i like lists.

and i'd like to redo that robot, too. gosh. yeah.

not so classy after all

so i'm reconsidering posting some things from my creative non-fiction class. here's the thing. i've used names. i don't know who is going to end up reading any of this or if anyone will at all, but the last thing i want is for someone to think that i shared a part of them that they didn't want me to. i'm thinking that unless i talk with the people i wrote about, i'm going to feel like a total shady mcshaderson if i just post it all.

furthermore, since writing those pieces almost one year ago, a lot has changed. so putting those up now makes me feel kind of uncomfortable and nauseous. i've been thinking about taking the assignments and reworking them or writing new pieces, but i haven't made up my mind completely.

regardless, since i've picked up english for my double major i'm going to be taking a fuck load of writing courses and literature courses (go figure, right?) so i shall be posting much about all those things.

i really wanted to write about that dream that had me waking up crying, but i feel like the circumstances within the dream are entirely too close to me right now, so sorry no juicy details about such an emotional slumber.

6:19 AM

i woke up crying.

bad dream. sad dream. sometimes people are just really uncaring and cold. sometimes people say things they don't mean. sometimes people say things they do mean, but then change their minds. and sometimes people genuinely want to hurt you. that's the way the cookie crumbles. that's the way worlds fall apart.

c'est la vie.

Class Baby

i reckon i'm going to post some things i wrote for a creative non-fiction class i took last fall.

in other news, i'm thinking about going into drama therapy. it could be cool. unfortunately there aren't many schools which offer it specifically at the graduate level. there's one in canada. nyu also has a program. we shall see. we shall see indeed.

dream lover come rescue me

a few nights ago i had a dream starring the lead singer of one of my favorite bands. i was attending an experimental play at a shoddy looking theatre - which i of course found incredibly charming. we had to go up a ladder escape to get in. i don't remember what the play was about, but i remember that it made my bones feel good. at the end of the play, the director and producers came out on stage and did a bunch of thank yous and what not. although i don't think there were any flowers, how refreshing. the last person they thanked was said singer of one of my favorite bands. i was absolutely shocked, but knew it just had to make sense since i felt that the music spoke to me more than any of the words of the production.

jump to the parking lot: my mother, one of my brothers, some friends, and myself were walking out to the tour bus that we apparently took to see the play. the whole time i was trying to figure out if all that music was pre-recorded or if said singer of one of my favorite bands was actually there in the flesh. i turned around and saw him coming out of the theatre, locking the door behind him.

without a thought i started walking back toward the theatre. i introduced myself, telling him that we had actually met at a show earlier in the month, which is true - he said he remembered, which i had hoped. the next few exchanges were me asking him questions about side projects and him answering me in borderline rude responses. i told him that if i was keeping him from something he was more than welcome to leave. he told me i was fine. not in the way in which one is trying to holla, but in the you're-okay-don't-worry kind of way, but maybe with less assurance.

i looked at him. he looked down. i said: so, when did you break up?

his eyes started to water. he looked up: how did you know?

i can see your heart is broken.

i felt an urge to comfort him, almost as if it was my duty, and i think i did. because well, he looked comforted. for a few moments two people who had next to nothing to do with each other needed nothing more than each other.

and so a seed is planted. i'm sewing seeds. yeah.

anytime i put something out there that came from in here i get really nervous. luckily i've been prescribed some great muscle relaxers and can now handle really putting stuff out there. okay, that's a lie. they suck and are too weak. kicking that wall, not being able to walk, and getting the vicodin really upped my standards. anyway, like my darling friend macky, i am tired of that folder called "awesome shit" or "shit in progress" or anything that more or less meant "stuff i wanna keep to work on in the future or think about in the future but don't really know what to do with right now." and so, here it is, a garden of my shit, but in internet land, we'll call it the eggplant garden. may it grow forever.

p.s. this whole thing may end up to be nothing at all like the aforementioned. i lie. don't hate me.