Things so fleeting
Without feeling
Can be so freeing
Joelle knows what's up.
Here's my toast to us.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Guessing is Better Than Tommy Hilfucker
There is a long list of things that I've done that at one point or another I said I would never do. I guess I'm human. I guess I lie. I guess I'm a hypocrite. And I guess I'm okay with that.
I had an idea of how I would feel after certain situations, and none of them were right. The surprises were nice. I don't think I'm losing myself, which of course is a good thing. I do, however, feel that perhaps I don't know myself as well as I had thought. And something about that is really lovely. Something about that excites me.
So next time we cross paths, let's drink to our failing livers and off-beat hearts.
I had an idea of how I would feel after certain situations, and none of them were right. The surprises were nice. I don't think I'm losing myself, which of course is a good thing. I do, however, feel that perhaps I don't know myself as well as I had thought. And something about that is really lovely. Something about that excites me.
So next time we cross paths, let's drink to our failing livers and off-beat hearts.
Friday, November 21, 2008
sometimes i suck
Left the beach this morning to make it in time for class. I guess I could have showed up late, but I didn't. And I also didn't finish my five-page paper that was due this morning. I make bad decisions sometimes, and I really suck today. I went to visit my granddad before I got on the road. Is that even correct to say? --That I went to visit him? Or is it his grave, or both, I don't know what to call it. I feel weird saying I went to visit him. But I did. So I started the day in tears.
Since my granddad and my lolo died, there have been at least three more deaths either from our family, or close friends' families. It hasn't even been two months. My brain hurts.
Found out my family is pretty broke after the funeral expenses and a number of monetary issues. I'm trying to pay for as much as I can and not burden my parents with anything. I'm trying to graduate early. I think that's the biggest way I can help -- not fuck up, and get out of school as fast as I can. Hopefully I don't fail the class I'm missing today. I really need the credit. I'm trying to sell the accessories and clothes I make. It's kind of my dream to never have a "regular job" ever again, but still be able to support myself and those I care about, or at least help them out from time to time. My brain is throbbing. I think I'm stressed.
Don't get me wrong; I'm still really excited about everything and the future and all that. I've just hit a rough patch. That's all. Once this semester is over I'll have time to breathe. Maybe the break will help me accept everything. I mean I know it probably won't, but maybe. I don't think I'll be okay with things about my granddad for a while, but that's just the way things go.
So in other words: I'm sick of crying. I'm over this semester. I need a job. Today I suck, but tomorrow I'll try to be better.
Since my granddad and my lolo died, there have been at least three more deaths either from our family, or close friends' families. It hasn't even been two months. My brain hurts.
Found out my family is pretty broke after the funeral expenses and a number of monetary issues. I'm trying to pay for as much as I can and not burden my parents with anything. I'm trying to graduate early. I think that's the biggest way I can help -- not fuck up, and get out of school as fast as I can. Hopefully I don't fail the class I'm missing today. I really need the credit. I'm trying to sell the accessories and clothes I make. It's kind of my dream to never have a "regular job" ever again, but still be able to support myself and those I care about, or at least help them out from time to time. My brain is throbbing. I think I'm stressed.
Don't get me wrong; I'm still really excited about everything and the future and all that. I've just hit a rough patch. That's all. Once this semester is over I'll have time to breathe. Maybe the break will help me accept everything. I mean I know it probably won't, but maybe. I don't think I'll be okay with things about my granddad for a while, but that's just the way things go.
So in other words: I'm sick of crying. I'm over this semester. I need a job. Today I suck, but tomorrow I'll try to be better.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
It's going to be a rough day. I miss you terribly.
I had a dream last night that I went to a water park, which turned into a giant dance party. I remember going there with two girls and a guy. The guy had a towel on the lower half of his face when I beckoned him to come over. I pulled the towel off his face and kissed him. I'm assuming this guy was my boyfriend in the dream, but I don't know who he is in real life. He kind of looked like this one guy I sort of know, but it could be someone completely different. In fact, it would be weird if it were that guy, because I don't really get those likey vibes with him. Whatever it's a dream. I'll continue.
So, I kiss him, and he smiles and says that I took off his towel so now the medicine won't stay on. I forgot, I say. Then I get a bitter taste in my mouth and spit into a trashcan. The medicine, I presume. I tell him to come whisper with with me, and we walk over to one of those things on the playground where you whisper on one end and the person hears you on the other. He said hi. I said hey. Yes, it was all so very cute. After that we went upstairs.
I think that's when it turned into the dance party. There was an abundance of people, and it kind of freaked me out. At the top of the stairs, were my grandma, my granddad (mom's side), my cousin, my uncle, my granddad's brother and his wife. The party started getting crazy; the cops came, and everyone was rushing to get out. I could see that the mass amount of bodies moving towards and around us was making my granddad feel uncomfortable. There were some chairs near us, so I pushed them against a wall and sat him and everyone else down. I figured it would calm him. Someone in our group said we should move towards the door, but I knew that he didn't want that.
I told my cousin to get the car and bring it around. Everyone went with her, and another huge group of party people decided it was also their time to go. So it was just me and Granddad left. We moved over to a long bench that was a cushion seat instead of a hard one. We talked for a bit, and I turned around. When I turned back around he was laying on his side, facing away from me. I called his name, nothing. I put my arms around him and started crying. He asked me why I was crying. I said because, and asked him why he had to go.
He either said, because I had to, or you know why. I think it was the latter. I can't remember, but whatever he said, it sounded like his voice was put through one of those voice distortion mechanisms. It creeped me out. I sat up and so did he. I put my arm in his and my head on his shoulder.
There are a million moments that I can't write about right now.
So, I kiss him, and he smiles and says that I took off his towel so now the medicine won't stay on. I forgot, I say. Then I get a bitter taste in my mouth and spit into a trashcan. The medicine, I presume. I tell him to come whisper with with me, and we walk over to one of those things on the playground where you whisper on one end and the person hears you on the other. He said hi. I said hey. Yes, it was all so very cute. After that we went upstairs.
I think that's when it turned into the dance party. There was an abundance of people, and it kind of freaked me out. At the top of the stairs, were my grandma, my granddad (mom's side), my cousin, my uncle, my granddad's brother and his wife. The party started getting crazy; the cops came, and everyone was rushing to get out. I could see that the mass amount of bodies moving towards and around us was making my granddad feel uncomfortable. There were some chairs near us, so I pushed them against a wall and sat him and everyone else down. I figured it would calm him. Someone in our group said we should move towards the door, but I knew that he didn't want that.
I told my cousin to get the car and bring it around. Everyone went with her, and another huge group of party people decided it was also their time to go. So it was just me and Granddad left. We moved over to a long bench that was a cushion seat instead of a hard one. We talked for a bit, and I turned around. When I turned back around he was laying on his side, facing away from me. I called his name, nothing. I put my arms around him and started crying. He asked me why I was crying. I said because, and asked him why he had to go.
He either said, because I had to, or you know why. I think it was the latter. I can't remember, but whatever he said, it sounded like his voice was put through one of those voice distortion mechanisms. It creeped me out. I sat up and so did he. I put my arm in his and my head on his shoulder.
There are a million moments that I can't write about right now.
* * *
Wednesday marks the fortieth day of his passing. I'll be going home to attend a mass for him. I still don't want to believe that he's gone. Today is the funeral for my other granddad, Lolo Fidel. I wish I could have been there more before he got sick.
I'm still really excited about a lot of things going on, but it just hurts to know that Granddad won't be here to share some of those things. I can still tell him as many stories as I want, but I won't see that smile, or he makes when he's shocked at something I did or said. I won't hear him laugh.
The last time I saw him, he was still in the hospital, a couple of weeks before he passed away. I was getting ready to drive back to Richmond. I think I gave him a hug. I hope I did. I usually did when I left. I told him I would see him in a few weeks. He said, okay, see you. And he smiled a smile that made me think he was going to be just fine.
I'm still really excited about a lot of things going on, but it just hurts to know that Granddad won't be here to share some of those things. I can still tell him as many stories as I want, but I won't see that smile, or he makes when he's shocked at something I did or said. I won't hear him laugh.
The last time I saw him, he was still in the hospital, a couple of weeks before he passed away. I was getting ready to drive back to Richmond. I think I gave him a hug. I hope I did. I usually did when I left. I told him I would see him in a few weeks. He said, okay, see you. And he smiled a smile that made me think he was going to be just fine.
* * *
I think about him constantly, and my heart is broken far beyond any stupid boy could break it. But I'm trying to be okay with this. It's hard. I have days when I'm at peace with things and can look back fondly. I have days when I think it's really fucked up for the universe to will such an awful occurrence. Today, I guess I'm just kind of sad.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
everything in the world
I've decided that I am going to change lots of things in my life. I want it to be better, so I'm going to make it better right now. It would be silly to wait. I've wasted a lot of time and money thus far -- most of which wasn't mine. That should stop, and I should go make those changes.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
round 2. go.
on october 11, 2008, my granddad on my mom's side passed away.
on november 3, 2008, my granddad on my dad's side passed away.
2008 is an earth year, and maybe this is proof.
i don't know how to process this one. i don't know who or what i'm crying for anymore. i guess i'm crying for all of it - for everything that happened and for everything that won't happen.
i feel so removed and disconnected.
yesterday was the first time i went to my granddad's grave by myself. i haven't spoken to him much since he passed. but yesterday i felt like i had to, and so i did. it was strange being there, knowing that the last time i saw him was at that spot, him laying in his coffin, rosary wrapped around his fingers, cold. i don't like to think that his body is right there, in some box when i visit him.
tickets to california are too expensive right now, and with paying for one funeral, i don't think my parents can pay for all of us to go to the other one. it sucks. even though i wasn't as close with my dad's dad as i was with my mom's, he was still a part of my family, and i would like to be there.
this is all so very draining. sometimes, i think i could fall asleep walking. and then i wake up.
on november 3, 2008, my granddad on my dad's side passed away.
2008 is an earth year, and maybe this is proof.
i don't know how to process this one. i don't know who or what i'm crying for anymore. i guess i'm crying for all of it - for everything that happened and for everything that won't happen.
i feel so removed and disconnected.
yesterday was the first time i went to my granddad's grave by myself. i haven't spoken to him much since he passed. but yesterday i felt like i had to, and so i did. it was strange being there, knowing that the last time i saw him was at that spot, him laying in his coffin, rosary wrapped around his fingers, cold. i don't like to think that his body is right there, in some box when i visit him.
tickets to california are too expensive right now, and with paying for one funeral, i don't think my parents can pay for all of us to go to the other one. it sucks. even though i wasn't as close with my dad's dad as i was with my mom's, he was still a part of my family, and i would like to be there.
this is all so very draining. sometimes, i think i could fall asleep walking. and then i wake up.
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